It’s been exactly nine months and today I’m ready to collapse. My body is tired and sore. The doctor says I need to be patient, “this is a marathon and not a sprint.” But I’m feeling impatient.  Will I ever be rid of this intruder?

Chronic illness. No matter what  you eat, meds you take, it’s hard to move forward. It can be a very, very constrictive tunnel.

When I wrote Orphaleena, I was in a different tunnel. It wasn’t one of physical pain but spiritual. I walked through daunting fears and threw off lies.  I was finally rid of the defeat that had bound me for so long. I was being called to trust the One who holds my hand and my heart. What a rush of relief when I saw the light (and the exit sign) at the end of that tunnel! Pure joy!

However, it was in a hospital bed nine months ago when I abruptly found myself in a very confusing, untraveled tunnel. Where was I? What was happening? Words like MS, Bell’s Palsy, and Guillame Barre were causally being tossed around my hospital room – and not in English, mind you. Oh the world of French medical grammar! The left side of my body was partially paralysed and I needed help walking to the toilet. During those first 3 months I underwent all sorts of exams; MRI’s, CAT scans, PET scans, Spinal taps, etc, etc.. After three different hospital stays in three different cities, they sent me home.

After five months in the dungeon of “no diagnosis”, I finally received my long awaited results from Germany. These seven blood tests I had taken came back positive for the Borrelia Burgdorferi (lyme) bacteria and a few other nasty parasites. I have Lyme disease. The relief of finally having a correct diagnosis quickly dissipated as I pondered the future… what is chronic Lyme disease? What does that mean? How do you treat it? Is it curable? It felt good to have proof that the French doctors, who had diagnosed me as “psychosomatic” and that “crazy lady,” were wrong, but I could see the looming, YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A TUNNEL sign straight ahead and there was no exit ramp.

Today, as I type, I’ve been four months on antibiotics, natural supplements, herbs, a strict regime and a hard diet of tearful prayers. This could take another six months or even six years, only God knows. I’m realising that living with chronic pain and debilitating symptoms these past nine months will either make me bow or make me bitter. Yikes! Yet, no matter the pain, I do not want this suffering to go to waste. Let it humble me, soften my heart and open it wide to the love of God. May I have empathy and compassion for those who suffer and offer them the love that’s been poured out on me.

We all need God’s mercy poured out on us this very moment.  Without it, these tunnels will be impossible to pass through. Life is swallowed by pain. Whether it’s the treatments, the altered family life, the isolation, the pain of even getting up in the morning, it can devour us and if we’re not careful, we can lose sight of the very One who has our hand, our Guide.